Back in the Summer of 2009 I was sitting on the back of my van going through the undeliverable mail for the day. Marking letters ANK (attempted not known) which kills it, or AZ which forwards it. I was on top of a hill looking down on the 3100 block of Iowa. The hood was out on their stoops in full force and the ghetto chillun' were home from school for the day. I hear the unmistakable sound of small arms fire, 6-8 shots, small caliber, single weapon. It was close. I look down the hill and a maroon sedan is careening into the side of a wall, two thugs dressed in black with black do-rags over their faces run away down the alley. Immediately everyone hits the deck, most are up in an instant and on their burners, dialing away. I call out to a group of ladies on the steps across from me. "You calling the cops?" I ask. "Naw, we calling our friends" I learned that day that to my customers, "snitching" is worse than killing someone. I dial an ambulance and go back to marking up my mail. If I ever get "creased" by hot lead who's going to call the ambulance for me?
On Sexual Harassment
Everyone has heard the joke about the Husband's kids being sired by the Mailman. I'd really like to know how that got started because I have been inside a young ladies house exactly twice in three years. Once I was invited in because she thought I was going to die from the heat. She poured me some ice water and I cooled off for about ten minutes then I was on my way. She was in her pajamas.
The second time I had to ask to use the bathroom because I was going to piss my pants and there wasn't a business around. (We cant just go in an alley because "indecent exposure" is classified as a sex crime and you can be fired automatically) The second lady was a little older than me and quite buxom, but I just used the bathroom and left.
Honestly, I would never hit on a customer. Not because of some unspoken Mailman's code, but because if they turned me down I would have to see them everyday and be embarrassed every day for years. Also, most of the cute customers are secretaries, medical technicians or restaurant/bar workers, and that is just not right. Actually let me kick down a life lesson here...NEVER hit on a bartender or waitress. Unless you know them already some other way. She doesn't like you dude and she probably has a boyfriend in the kitchen.
The reality is I am constantly being propositioned or complimented by the elderly, gays and teens. Not because I am amazing or something, but because I am usually the first man with a steady job they have ever met. It happens so much I have stock replies prepared.
Old black lady: "You date black women?"
Me: "Whenever I do they just break my heart"
Old black lady: "ooooh, Im'a suck on yo legs"
This has actually happened twice from different women.
Me: "Thank you"
Old lady: "Look at those legs!"
Me: "Thanks! you just really helped my self esteem!"
Teen walking home from bus stop: "My friend xxx likes you"
Yep, makes me super uncomfortable to even write this one. Trust me all I did was smile at them and give the greeting of the day.
Me: "Thanks, but I don't want to go to jail" or "Stay in school kids!"
Handsome gay dude: "Are you gay?"
Yes, people think I'm gay.
Me: "I wish"
People often ask me if cute girls ever come to the door naked for packages. Yes, it has happened. The reality is for every girl that answers the door naked, I have had ten men do so.
That's my male perspective on sexual harassment, I'm sure if I could get a female letter carrier guest writer, this column would be a lot less lighthearted.
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