If the customers feel comfortable enough to smoke their dirt weed or have coke lines set out on the table when I come to the door, I take it as a sign of trust. A four year old called me "Stupid" when I first started carrying mail and I knocked on the door and told the Mama. She had the Dad beat the child in front of me, so now I am hesitant to comment on even a child's behavior. The only exception is littering. I will always call people out on this and I think one of these times the litterbug is going to kill me.
There is an old lady on the 3700 block of Tennessee that picks up the trash from her lawn, the houses adjacent to her and even across the street. The neighbors shake their heads and watch her pick up their trash, she must be crazy! Friends, if someone ever calls you "Crazy" or "Weird" for being yourself, maybe you are like that lady, trying to bring order to a world gone mad.
<----- After this picture was taken the puppy ripped my ear off and the two pit bulls tore me to shreds. Because I'm a Mailman and dogs just instinctively hate me, remember?
On Practical Jokes
I have not actually done all of these, just most of them.
I love piratical jokes, and my approachability has increased my number of targets exponentially. Let me preface this by saying I would never joke about someones mail, a package they were expecting or something that's actually any of their business.
I used to cover other carriers routes when the went on vacation or whatever. I would get the same question about 20 times a day.."Where's Jo?" After about the tenth time I started making up funny answers about the whereabouts of their beloved Mail Lady.
Sweet old lady "Where's Jo?"
Me: "Her unit was activated, she is leading Soldiers in Afghanistan."
Nice old man "Where's Jo?"
Me "We aren't sure, but she has done some pretty bad things, if you see her please alert the authorities!"
Jo was also my Mail Carrier, and every day in the Post Office she would get kind of nosy and tell me what mail I had. She meant well, but she would say "Your water bill came." or "Looks like you got a letter from your Dad." So to have a little fun, I took an envelope and typed the return address "Midwest Erectile Dysfunction Center" and addressed it to myself. She didn't tell me what my mail was that day. About a week later I made another one, and wrote on the front "Jack, we are going to beat this together, please come in for another session". I started moping around work, and when she asked me what was wrong, I told her I was having a medical problem.
This next one is only for Letter Carriers who's supervisors hate them. So it's for all of them, except the ones who actually do sex with those gross, sour ladies.
Have a friend call your work in the afternoon and say something to this effect: "Hello this is Detective Johnson from the Montgomery county Sheriff's office. Do you have a Mailman named Jack House there? Well, ma'am I need to serve a warrant on him, when do you expect him back?" At this point the supervisor's chair is wet, she's finally going to get that smug, handsome bastard!
She tells the "Detective" she expects you back at four PM.
"Well ma'am I can't be there until 4:15, can you keep him busy until then? He has hurt a lot of children and we need to take this guy off the streets."
So I walk in the door at four, and this is where the victim gets to participate. Will she try to stall me? Will the Postal Police be waiting there? Remember, I am innocent so I don't care if they are.
The next day I call in in the morning and tell the supervisor I won't be in to work for a while because I'm in big trouble. But I show up on time anyway and never mention any of this again. I just sit back and enjoy the rumors, basking in my new found infamy!
Bonus prank:
I call this one the "Lover's Gambit" and it can be executed by anyone.
Take your best FRIEND of the opposite sex to a mid range restaurant. We will call mine Cathy. So we sit down and I order us a bottle of wine and appetizers. All of a sudden I'm down on one knee, fake ring in hand, looking deep into Cathy's eyes. "Cathy , will you marry me?" She stands up. "No Jack I'm sorry. You take such great care of Ben, even though he's not your son, but I've been cheating on you!" Cathy runs out hiding her face with her hands crying. You look around, clearly in shock. "She was my ride. How am I going to finish this bottle of wine by myself, and how am I going to get home?" Girl stands up from the table next to you, approaches and consoles you. You have established you will take care of a bastard, can handle commitment, and are a romantic. Better than hitting on a girl at a bar, no?
Until next time!
"Two drops in the bucket, fuck it!" -Army saying
This blog could really use an update. -E.D.
ReplyDeleteNo, YOU could really use an update! xoxo
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