The guy across from me is playing tinny gangsta rap from some speakers he set up. "Hey JP, you got any Fat Boys" I ask. "Naw." Undeterred I press on. "You don't know nothin' about no Fat Boys!" The girl in the case next to mine laughs, I can't see her but its mission accomplished, I made someone laugh.
Management set the cases up so we can't see each other to cut down on employee conversations.
On Dogs
I have always been baffled by the stereotype that Mailmen hate dogs. Even after work when I'm walking my little hound Arcelia I get strangers approaching me and saying "Haw, Haw! I thought you guys didn't like dogs!" Hardee-Har-Har motherfucker. Would you call a Jew covetous? Or assume that every Korean is smoking hot with super sensitive nipples?
I have met Mail Carriers with scars on their faces, but most bites occur on the legs or thighs. The reality is people abuse their dogs then wonder why they bite a stranger. Well, if you abuse your kid he might be OK or he might wear people skin suits.
I have rescued 3 dogs and a cat since I started delivering your mail three years ago. If the little guy is friendly I'll just pop him into the back of the van with the mail until I can put him in a cage in my back yard, finish my route, then find a home for the little bastard. I only had to take one to the Humane Society, but I know they at least gave him a clean death.
Tutorial: Dealing with stray dogs
This is for Mailmen, but can easily be applied by anyone.
When confronted by a dog the first thing you should look for is body language.
1. Wiggle-but, tail wagging head pointing down. Congratulations, you just made a friend! Feel free to give him pets (not on the head, can trigger aggression) feed him a biscuit or pick him up and hold him if you have the strength.
2. Head down, skulking, fearfully approaches you then backs away. You are dealing with an abused, possibly feral dog that is hungry for food or companionship. Do not approach, drop a biscuit about five feet away from you and extend a clenched fist downward so the tramp can smell you. Keep your fingers balled up so he cant get a grip on you if he decides to bite. Most likely he will grab the treat, the back off to eat it watching you all the while. Drop him another one and walk away. Trust is being built and it takes time. Maybe next time he will be like number 1.
3. Holy Shit! A fucking Rottweiler just jumped over an eight foot fence and is coming right for YOU.
His head is pointed straight at you and his tail is straight back. He Is barking like crazy and looking directly into your eyes. First try to verbally back the animal down. Yell "Bad Boy, Go Home!" while assuming a forceful aggressive posture. Take a step towards the animal, NEVER RUN. Nine times out of ten the beast will just back off, remember he knows in his heart that you are superior to him and could beat him in a fair fight, try to leverage this knowledge. If he gets within kicking distance keep yelling and deliver a powerful series of roundhouses to his massive frothing face. If he manages to bring you to the ground pull your knife with your good hand and don't stop stabbing until help arrives or one of you is dead. Honor the fallen dog with a warriors funeral and sue the owners.
For Mail Carriers: the pepper spray they issue you is worthless, you don't have time for that. Carry a knife even though it is against the rules, it also comes in handy as a utility tool.
For cat attacks: If you are scared of cats you are a coward. Seek help immediately for the yellow stripe running down your back.
Take care Brothers and Sisters and be safe out there.
"Life is full of violence and fury, signifying nothing"
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