On Practical Jokes

I try to stay out of peoples business.
If the customers feel comfortable enough to smoke their dirt weed or have coke lines set out on the table when I come to the door, I take it as a sign of trust.  A four year old called me "Stupid" when I first started carrying mail and I knocked on the door and told the Mama.  She had the Dad beat the child in front of me, so now I am hesitant to comment on even a child's behavior.  The only exception is littering.  I will always call people out on this and I think one of these times the litterbug is going to kill me.

A lady was pushing a stroller, casually throwing empty bottles and candy wrappers onto the sidewalk.  I said "HEY! You dropped something!"  Without skipping a beat she replied "I didn't drop that, it was my baby!" Blaming the baby, that one still makes me laugh.
There is an old lady on the 3700 block of Tennessee that picks up the trash from her lawn, the houses adjacent to her and even across the street.  The neighbors shake their heads and watch her pick up their trash, she must be crazy!  Friends, if someone ever calls you "Crazy" or "Weird" for being yourself, maybe you are like that lady, trying to bring order to a world gone mad.

<----- After this picture was taken the puppy ripped my ear off and the two pit bulls tore me to shreds.  Because I'm a Mailman and dogs just instinctively hate me, remember?



On Practical Jokes

I have not actually done all of these, just most of them.
I love piratical jokes, and my approachability has increased my number of targets exponentially.  Let me preface this by saying I would never joke about someones mail, a package they were expecting or something that's actually any of their business.
I used to cover other carriers routes when the went on vacation or whatever.  I would get the same question about 20 times a day.."Where's Jo?"  After about the tenth time I started making up funny answers about the whereabouts of their beloved Mail Lady.

Sweet old lady "Where's Jo?"
Me: "Her unit was activated, she is leading Soldiers in Afghanistan."

Nice old man "Where's Jo?"
Me "We aren't sure, but she has done some pretty bad things, if you see her please alert the authorities!"

Jo was also my Mail Carrier, and every day in the Post Office she would get kind of nosy and tell me what mail I had.  She meant well, but she would say "Your water bill came." or "Looks like you got a letter from your Dad."  So to have a little fun, I took an envelope and typed the return address "Midwest Erectile Dysfunction Center" and addressed it to myself.  She didn't tell me what my mail was that day.  About a week later I made another one, and wrote on the front "Jack, we are going to beat this together, please come in for another session".  I started moping around work, and when she asked me what was wrong, I told her I was having a medical problem.

This next one is only for Letter Carriers who's supervisors hate them.  So it's for all of them, except the ones who actually do sex with those gross, sour ladies. 
Have a friend call your work in the afternoon and say something to this effect: "Hello this is Detective Johnson from the Montgomery county Sheriff's office.  Do you have a Mailman named Jack House there?  Well, ma'am I need to serve a warrant on him, when do you expect him back?" At this point the supervisor's chair is wet, she's finally going to get that smug, handsome bastard!
She tells the "Detective" she expects you back at four PM.
"Well ma'am I can't be there until 4:15, can you keep him busy until then? He has hurt a lot of children and we need to take this guy off the streets."
So I walk in the door at four, and this is where the victim gets to participate.  Will she try to stall me?  Will the Postal Police be waiting there?  Remember, I am innocent so I don't care if they are.
The next day I call in in the morning and tell the supervisor I won't be in to work for a while because I'm in big trouble.  But I show up on time anyway and never mention any of this again.  I just sit back and enjoy the rumors, basking in my new found infamy!

Bonus prank:
I call this one the "Lover's Gambit" and it can be executed by anyone.
Take your best FRIEND of the opposite sex to a mid range restaurant.  We will call mine Cathy.  So we sit down and I order us a bottle of wine and appetizers.  All of a sudden I'm down on one knee, fake ring in hand, looking deep into Cathy's eyes.  "Cathy , will you marry me?"  She stands up. "No Jack I'm sorry.  You take such great care of Ben, even though he's not your son, but I've been cheating on you!"  Cathy runs out hiding her face with her hands crying.  You look around, clearly in shock.  "She was my ride.  How am I going to finish this bottle of wine by myself, and how am I going to get home?"  Girl stands up from the table next to you, approaches and consoles you.  You have established you will take care of a bastard, can handle commitment, and are a romantic.  Better than hitting on a girl at a bar, no?

Until next time!
"Two drops in the bucket, fuck it!"  -Army saying

On Sexual Harassment

If you carry mail long enough at my Post Office you will see a murder.
Back in the Summer of 2009 I was sitting on the back of my van going through the undeliverable mail for the day. Marking letters ANK (attempted not known) which kills it, or AZ which forwards it.  I was on top of a hill looking down on the 3100 block of Iowa.  The hood was out on their stoops in full force and the ghetto chillun' were home from school for the day.  I hear the unmistakable sound of small arms fire, 6-8 shots, small caliber, single weapon.  It was close.  I look down the hill and a maroon sedan is careening into the side of a wall, two thugs dressed in black with black do-rags over their faces run away down the alley.  Immediately everyone hits the deck, most are up in an instant and on their burners, dialing away.  I call out to a group of ladies on the steps across from me.  "You calling the cops?" I ask.  "Naw, we calling our friends"  I learned that day that to my customers, "snitching" is worse than killing someone.  I dial an ambulance and go back to marking up my mail.  If I ever get "creased" by hot lead who's going to call the ambulance for me?

On Sexual Harassment

Everyone has heard the joke about the Husband's kids being sired by the Mailman.  I'd really like to know how that got started because I have been inside a young ladies house exactly twice in three years. Once I was invited in because she thought I was going to die from the heat.  She poured me some ice water and I cooled off for about ten minutes then I was on my way.  She was in her pajamas.
The second time I had to ask to use the bathroom because I was going to piss my pants and there wasn't a business around.  (We cant just go in an alley because "indecent exposure" is classified as a sex crime and you can be fired automatically) The second lady was a little older than me and quite buxom, but I just used the bathroom and left.
Honestly, I would never hit on a customer.  Not because of some unspoken Mailman's code, but because if they turned me down I would have to see them everyday and be embarrassed every day for years.  Also, most of the cute customers are secretaries, medical technicians or restaurant/bar workers, and that is just not right.  Actually let me kick down a life lesson here...NEVER hit on a bartender or waitress.  Unless you know them already some other way.  She doesn't like you dude and she probably has a boyfriend in the kitchen.
The reality is I am constantly being propositioned or complimented by the elderly, gays and teens.  Not because I am amazing or something, but because I am usually the first man with a steady job they have ever met.  It happens so much I have stock replies prepared.

Old black lady: "You date black women?"
Me: "Whenever I do they just break my heart"

Old black lady: "ooooh, Im'a suck on yo legs"
This has actually happened twice from different women.
Me: "Thank you"

Old lady: "Look at those legs!"
Me: "Thanks! you just really helped my self esteem!"

Teen walking home from bus stop: "My friend xxx likes you"
Yep, makes me super uncomfortable to even write this one.  Trust me all I did was smile at them and give the greeting of the day.
Me: "Thanks, but I don't want to go to jail" or "Stay in school kids!"

Handsome gay dude: "Are you gay?"
Yes, people think I'm gay.
Me: "I wish"

People often ask me if cute girls ever come to the door naked for packages. Yes, it has happened.  The reality is for every girl that answers the door naked, I have had ten men do so. 
That's my male perspective on sexual harassment, I'm sure if I could get a female letter carrier guest writer, this column would be a lot less lighthearted.

On Dogs

It's eight AM on a Saturday and I'm throwing catalogues into a case.Its my day off, I should be rolling over and pressuring a chubby little minx from the local juke-joint for morning sex, but I'm in a noisy post-office instead.  That's fine.  I volunteered to come in.  A man's gotta stay in WoW subscriptions and Scotch somehow right?
The guy across from me is playing tinny gangsta rap from some speakers he set up. "Hey JP, you got any Fat Boys" I ask. "Naw." Undeterred I press on. "You don't know nothin' about no Fat Boys!" The girl in the case next to mine laughs, I can't see her but its mission accomplished, I made someone laugh.
Management set the cases up so we can't see each other to cut down on employee conversations.

On Dogs

I have always been baffled by the stereotype that Mailmen hate dogs.  Even after work when I'm walking my little hound Arcelia I get strangers approaching me and saying "Haw, Haw! I thought you guys didn't like dogs!" Hardee-Har-Har motherfucker.  Would you call a Jew covetous? Or assume that every Korean is smoking hot with super sensitive nipples?
I have met Mail Carriers with scars on their faces, but most bites occur on the legs or thighs.  The reality is people abuse their dogs then wonder why they bite a stranger.  Well, if you abuse your kid he might be OK or he might wear people skin suits.
I have rescued 3 dogs and a cat since I started delivering your mail three years ago.  If the little guy is friendly I'll just pop him into the back of the van with the mail until I can put him in a cage in my back yard, finish my route, then find a home for the little bastard.  I only had to take one to the Humane Society, but I know they at least gave him a clean death.

Tutorial: Dealing with stray dogs

This is for Mailmen, but can easily be applied by anyone.
When confronted by a dog the first thing you should look for is body language.
1. Wiggle-but, tail wagging head pointing down.  Congratulations, you just made a friend! Feel free to give him pets (not on the head, can trigger aggression) feed him a biscuit or pick him up and hold him if you have the strength.
2. Head down, skulking, fearfully approaches you then backs away.  You are dealing with an abused, possibly feral dog that is hungry for food or companionship.  Do not approach, drop a biscuit about five feet away from you and extend a clenched fist downward so the tramp can smell you.  Keep your fingers balled up so he cant get a grip on you if he decides to bite.  Most likely he will grab the treat, the back off to eat it watching you all the while.  Drop him another one and walk away.  Trust is being built and it takes time. Maybe next time he will be like number 1.
3.  Holy Shit! A fucking Rottweiler just jumped over an eight foot fence and is coming right for YOU.
His head is pointed straight at you and his tail is straight back.  He Is barking like crazy and looking directly into your eyes.  First try to verbally back the animal down. Yell "Bad Boy, Go Home!" while assuming a forceful aggressive posture. Take a step towards the animal, NEVER RUN.  Nine times out of ten the beast will just back off, remember he knows in his heart that you are superior to him and could beat him in a fair fight, try to leverage this knowledge.  If he gets within kicking distance keep yelling and deliver a powerful series of roundhouses to his massive frothing face.  If he manages to bring you to the ground pull your knife with your good hand and don't stop stabbing until help arrives or one of you is dead.  Honor the fallen dog with a warriors funeral and sue the owners.
For Mail Carriers: the pepper spray they issue you is worthless, you don't have time for that.  Carry a knife even though it is against the rules, it also comes in handy as a utility tool.

For cat attacks: If you are scared of cats you are a coward.  Seek help immediately for the yellow stripe running down your back.
Take care Brothers and Sisters and be safe out there.
"Life is full of violence and fury, signifying nothing"